I’m going to be really fucking edgy right now and just say it: Bugs fucking suck my left swollen nut. (Hint: I don’t have any nuts, but Dan does.)
Right now Dan and I have become refugees. That’s right America, and some parts of Canada, there are refugees in Philadelphia and we are sick and tired of being displaced while the war on pests is going strong.
While Dan and I were enjoying some Evan Williams and The Mummy (starring Brenden Frasier and Rahel Weisz, mmmm sex) we noticed that there were flying ants crawling all over the place. Being the retard that I am, I just figured that finding 20 of these was an isolated incident and thought nothing of it. Wrong.
It turns out that thousands of fucking ants were crawling around in my front foyer, like the fucking retarded assholes that those fucking cunts are, just looking for food and shit, in MY fucking house! Fuck those fucking asshole fucks. They keep me up at night and make me want to claw my skin off. Ugh.
Dan and I had to slaughter them. It was like a scene from Starship Troopers. Limbs were lost, but the battle raged on.
I basically sat at the top of my stairs and squirted the fuck out of the millions of ants with Windex, while Dan ventured into the kitchen with Clorox. We’re hoping if we name drop enough brands, we will get sponsorship.
Luckily, our savior, Victoria, called us and invited us to hang out. Granted, it was 1:30 am, but we immediately grabbed our valuables and got the fuck out of there. We left my other roommate to die. Tomorrow when I go back there, I expect to find her skeleton picked clean of all flesh. Poor Elle.
Victoria is my new God. Fuck Jesus Christ, all he did was save me from the homosexuals. Ants are a bigger threat and much more likely to fuck me up the ass.
OHAI!