Like most girls who grew up in the 90s, I always wanted to fuck one of the ninja turtles.
I remember those days of body exploration where I would touch my “special” spot and think about those shells. Those hard, smooth shells.
Without thinking too much about it, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a fucking brilliant show. I mean, of course once we start getting analytical we realize that someone, somewhere pitched a show about adolescent reptiles with superior martial art skills, who have been transformed by “ooze” to become people size.
And they were sexy.
Leonardo is an obvious choice in potential boyfriends. He leads. He had such a devotion to doing what’s right and being good and true that a girl just knew he would never miss an anniversary and he would at least have the decency to dump you before fucking some other biddy. However, despite his “good” qualities (I mean, if you think being honorable and all that shit is good), he is probably awful in bed. In fact, I would bet so much money that he has a micro dick. Because of this, during my tender childhood, I never got excited about the idea of Leonardo shoving me down on a bed and railing me from behind. Ever.
Donatello is only a contender because he would probably be really open to using toys, and even maybe invent some new ones. He also had a big stick, so if he has a small penis, he could fuck me with that.
Raphael is the sexiest fucking turtle ever. He beats the other ninja turtles, he’s better than Franklin, or the Koopa. He is mean, rude, hilarious and you can tell he’ll provide the right amount of hard fucking with hair pulling and degrading dirty talk. I would fuck Raphael in a heartbeat. Just the thought of how much he would piss off my parents makes my panties wet.
I’m so spent after talking about Raphael that I don’t even want to talk about Michaelangelo. Except that I do, because he’s pretty sexy too. Michaelangelo is a dumbass, but a sexy one. Sort of like Keanu Reeves. You can have sex and then kick him out and not feel bad about it because he probably wouldn’t even realize what happened. Michaelangelo’s party attitude means that you’ll have a great time doing keg stands and playing flip cup and generally being the drunk hot slutty mess while all his frat boy friends grab at you. Then once you get enough false confidence because you were able to turn on wasted douchebags, you turn into a total sex kitten which makes the sex mind-blowingly awesome until the next morning when you feel so guilty that you contemplate joining a convent. But still, guilty sex with Michaelangelo beats stupid missionary through a sheet with a hole cut out of it sex with Leonardo.
Note: Look at that fucking tongue.
OHAI!