MIXED WITH:

sexy.

Right now Dan and I have become refugees. That’s right America, and some parts of Canada, there are refugees in Philadelphia and we are sick and tired of being displaced while the war on pests is going strong. 

While Dan and I were enjoying some Evan Williams and The Mummy (starring Brenden Frasier and Rahel Weisz, mmmm sex) we noticed that there were flying ants crawling all over the place. Being the retard that I am, I just figured that finding 20 of these was an isolated incident and thought nothing of it. Wrong.

It turns out that thousands of fucking ants were crawling around in my front foyer, like the fucking retarded assholes that those fucking cunts are, just looking for food and shit, in MY fucking house! Fuck those fucking asshole fucks. They keep me up at night and make me want to claw my skin off. Ugh. 

Dan and I had to slaughter them. It was like a scene from Starship Troopers. Limbs were lost, but the battle raged on.

I basically sat at the top of my stairs and squirted the fuck out of the millions of ants with Windex, while Dan ventured into the kitchen with Clorox. We’re hoping if we name drop enough brands, we will get sponsorship.

Luckily, our savior, Victoria, called us and invited us to hang out. Granted, it was 1:30 am, but we immediately grabbed our valuables and got the fuck out of there. We left my other roommate to die. Tomorrow when I go back there, I expect to find her skeleton picked clean of all flesh. Poor Elle.

Victoria is my new God. Fuck Jesus Christ, all he did was save me from the homosexuals. Ants are a bigger threat and much more likely to fuck me up the ass. 

I remember those days of body exploration where I would touch my “special” spot and think about those shells. Those hard, smooth shells.

Without thinking too much about it, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a fucking brilliant show. I mean, of course once we start getting analytical we realize that someone, somewhere pitched a show about adolescent reptiles with superior martial art skills, who have been transformed by “ooze” to become people size.

And they were sexy.

Leonardo is an obvious choice in potential boyfriends. He leads. He had such a devotion to doing what’s right and being good and true that a girl just knew he would never miss an anniversary and he would at least have the decency to dump you before fucking some other biddy. However, despite his “good” qualities (I mean, if you think being honorable and all that shit is good), he is probably awful in bed. In fact, I would bet so much money that he has a micro dick. Because of this, during my tender childhood, I never got excited about the idea of Leonardo shoving me down on a bed and railing me from behind. Ever.

Donatello is only a contender because he would probably be really open to using toys, and even maybe invent some new ones. He also had a big stick, so if he has a small penis, he could fuck me with that.

Raphael is the sexiest fucking turtle ever. He beats the other ninja turtles, he’s better than Franklin, or the Koopa. He is mean, rude, hilarious and you can tell he’ll provide the right amount of hard fucking with hair pulling and degrading dirty talk. I would fuck Raphael in a heartbeat. Just the thought of how much he would piss off my parents makes my panties wet.

I’m so spent after talking about Raphael that I don’t even want to talk about Michaelangelo. Except that I do, because he’s pretty sexy too. Michaelangelo is a dumbass, but a sexy one. Sort of like Keanu Reeves. You can have sex and then kick him out and not feel bad about it because he probably wouldn’t even realize what happened. Michaelangelo’s party attitude means that you’ll have a great time doing keg stands and playing flip cup and generally being the drunk hot slutty mess while all his frat boy friends grab at you. Then once you get enough false confidence because you were able to turn on wasted douchebags, you turn into a total sex kitten which makes the sex mind-blowingly awesome until the next morning when you feel so guilty that you contemplate joining a convent. But still, guilty sex with Michaelangelo beats stupid missionary through a sheet with a hole cut out of it sex with Leonardo.

Note: Look at that fucking tongue.

Sometimes I get annoyed with the prospect of conveying my emotions, feelings and current actions using “words” or “facial expressions” (fuck that). Thank the Lord Jesus for cleverly placed colons, semi-colons, tildes, quotes, carrots, ampersands and brackets that kind of resemble sideways faces that may or may not have noses or eyebrows depending on how lazy I am feeling.

See all those emotions? I often feel them. How would you know I’m feeling them without their respective emotional icons (or “EMOTICONS”)? What? Tell you? Fuck you. Id rather sit at my computer.

I weep for those poor bastards in the 1800′s who had to use morse code.

Oh wait. They had them too. At least according to Wikipedia that is. 73 meant “best regards”, while 88 meant a much more provocative, if not vulgar, “love and kisses”.  Imagine all the old-timey boners being popped from a  cross country “88″ sent from  Mabel to Abner. Maybe flashin’ a little ankle via pony express. Hot.

We think we are great.

Hence blog.

Keep on the lookout for such gems as:

-Head2Toez: A person is defined not by their hopes, dreams and ambitions. They are not what they do or what they say. Nay, they are but what they listen to. Music defines us as individuals and separates the lame, the uber lame, and the truly awesome. Music dictates how we talk, who we hang out with, what we want to spend our time doing, and what we wear. And because people are, in general, full of themselves, they somehow are convinced that if they get a chance to meet their favorite musical artist, a friendship will bloom. However, when said musical artist is in town, how does a person pick out the magical outfit that will show said artist, “hey, I am awesome like you.”? In this section, will will let all of America (and some parts of Canada) know exactly how to dress for the magical moment where two great minds encounter one another. At best, you will look awesome and be added to an entourage. At worst, you will look awesome.

-FTW/FTF: In this section we will take pictures of people and their outifts and say if they are Wins, Epic Wins, Fails, or Epic Fails. Then we will explain why. Yes, we are ripping off Vice. We are aware.

-LOVE: Things we love. This can be anything, from oxygen to Barry Bostwick to hot pockets. It’s random because we are complex human beings who love many things either sincerely or ironically.

-HATE: Things we hate. This will probably mostly include people. We hate hard.

-INDANOOZ: Sometimes things happen in the world that don’t involve us, and we will feel the need to comment. You’re welcome.

-MASHEDUPZ: We aren’t talented enough to actually create mash-ups, so we’ll just suggest songs that would make an awesome or hilarious mash-up and you can use your imagination.

-DRANKS: You know those times you are in a bar and you see those people who’ve been there for way too long and they are still there when you leave and you’re like “what the fuck?” and then you remember that they were talking to walls and may or may not have made out with stools/bartenders/your drunk friend? Do you remember that it was hilarious? Feel free to share pictures and stories of your/their escapades.

All this and MOAR!!!

Please contribute to our blog. We’re extremely lazy and want to take all the credit for your wit. J/k. Maybe. No, but seriously. E-mail us anything.